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WOMEN NEED TO FEEL SAFE

Why do women always try to make plans for the future with their partner?

Why do women constantly want to know what their partner is feeling or thinking?

Why do women become so unsettled and worried when a man won't share what's bothering him?

The answer to all of these questions is the same: Because one of our most basic needs as women in an intimate relationship is the need to feel safe. I'm not talking about physical safety, but rather the feeling of emotional safety. It is the deep sense that the relationship is solid, that our partner's affections are serious and committed, that we can trust the love we feel, and thus allow ourselves to open fully to give and receive it.

This emotional safety is the key that unlocks a woman's heart and soul. When we feel safe, we are able to open up. When we feel safe, we are able to risk. When we feel safe, we are able to relax. When we feel safe, we are able to shine.

Why is this need for a feeling of safety so important to a woman? / believe that it's because, in some place deep inside of us, all women feel unsafe. This may be politically incorrect to say, but I feel that it is true. No matter how much we consider ourselves liberated, independent, and self-reliant, this is a woman's secret— a part of our psyche that we continually battle against, negotiate with, criticize ourselves for, but somehow never completely eliminate.

Where does this sense of not being safe come from? To begin, it is the result of living in what is still essentially a man's world in so many ways, in a society that only in the past few decades has begun to value and respect women and offer us some of what men have been entitled to since the beginning of recorded history. Still today in many parts of this planet, male life is considered so much more valuable than female life and female babies are killed, thought to be worthless or burdensome to the family who wants sons and heirs. We may hear about this and say, "Yes, but that kind of thing happens in undeveloped countries." Yet in the most developed of nations, the United States, women get paid substantially less than men when they perform the same job. This may not appear to be as dramatic as the sacrifice of female infants, but isn't the message the same—that a man's life and contribution are worth more than a woman's?

We learn this silent lesson about our value as women from the time we are born. Until recently, in the majority of families, children are given their father's last name and not their mother's. Most of us never think about the impact this has on us, but again it sends a message to women about being less important, and when we feel we are seen as less important, we unconsciously feel less safe.

Even on the physical level, women experience an inherent sense of extreme vulnerability, which contributes to a feeling of lack of safety: Our bodies can be penetrated by a man; we can be raped and entered against our will. Most of us are not as physically strong as men. Even though we may not consciously think about these realities, they constantly affect our feeling of physical and psychic safety as we go through our lives each day.

But to really understand why as women we may feel unsafe, we need to go back in time to the beginnings of civilization and pay a visit to our female ancestors. These women were totally dependent on men for their survival. Men were the hunters, and therefore the ones who could provide food; they were also the warriors, the ones who were strong enough and skilled enough to fight off animal or human threats, and thus protect us and our children from death. As for the women, most of us had only one goal in mind: to find a man to take care of us and the many offspring we would inevitably have as soon as we were of the age to bear children.

Imagine knowing that, without a man, you literally could not stay alive. Imagine knowing that if your mate became displeased with you, he could kick you and your babies out of his cave or dwelling, and you would freeze or starve or be devoured by wild beasts. How could you ever truly feel secure? How could you ever truly feel safe?

Even as humanity evolved over several thousand years, women remained physically, financially, and socially dependent on men. We could not support ourselves. We had none of the opportunities or freedoms men had, and thus our sense of personal power was limited at best. Remember—it was only in the last century when it finally became widely acceptable and possible for women to work and thus have the choice to survive independent from a man if we wanted to, as well as to choose, with the advent of birth control, whether or not we would like to have children.

These are the historical roots that all women come from. Whether you're a woman of eighteen or eighty, whether you consider yourself totally empowered or are still struggling to get there,

If you're a man reading this, please know that I offer these thoughts not as a complaint or judgment against men, but simply we all share this legacy. I believe that we have a certain genetic memory that keeps the past alive in us. It speaks to our hearts in almost inaudible whispers, saying things like, "You can't live without him." "You'll die if he leaves." "You can't do or achieve that—only men can become that powerful." "You'd better find someone to take care of you, because you'll never be able to do it yourself." Embedded in these messages, the bottom line: "You're not safe." as an explanation for why women often feel a deep sense of insecurity whose source we can't pinpoint and a need for reassurance that appears to go beyond what should be required. Most men never really consider women from this perspective, because as men, you have a very different history as a species and thus an understandably very different way of operating in the world. You may be thinking, "But I'm not that sexist caveman you're writing about. I don't care if my girlfriend uses my last name when we get married. I love her. I don't want to limit her in any way." To that I say: Your girlfriend is lucky to be with such a great guy. But to really know her heart, you need to know the psychology she may have inherited from generations of women who came before her.

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Women’s health

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